this is heartbreak.

It is overwhelming not to know when all this brokenness will be mended.

I know that even if I didn’t show it, I loved you with my all- even if I wasn’t who I was suppose to be yet- I gave you whatever I had in me to give.

There are days when missing you is all that I do. And there are nights when the very thought of you, can drive me to insanity. Time does not want me to forget you, I wish we had more. Time does not wait for anyone and it did not wait for me.

I didn’t know what it felt like for a man to open up his heart to me, I didn’t know home could be a person, not just a place.

There is nothing I have ever wanted more than for us to last. Our love was never easy. It was heart breaking and soul wrenching and everything in between.

Loving you was making up apologies in my head so that I could forgive you for all the things you did that weren’t right.

Loving you was sleepless nights and the exhausting days that followed where I was in so much pain, I forgot how to love you. But I also remember loving you made me so happy; I almost forgot what it felt like to be sad.

I remember me curled up in your arms, listening to the sound of your heartbeat and tracing maps across your skin.

Remember me laughing at your jokes, even the stupid ones.

Remember me in hysterics for absolutely no reason and in tears because you made me so sad neither of us thought I’d recover.

Remember me brave, that time you held my hand and I thought I was going to die; remember me scared and gentle and delicate and breakable – but only for you.

Remember me happy and all the stupid ways I tried to get your attention.

Remember the way I was too stubborn and how absolutely insane it drove the both of us.

Remember all the firsts and how precious and wonderful they were that we went back for seconds, thirds and fourths.

Remember all the songs we listened to and all the crazy dreams I had about our future together.

I know its come to an end, but I don’t want you to remember the ending.

Remember the beginning. Remember the first time you knew.

How frightening it is, the thought that in one fraction of a moment you can so easily fall into the kind of love that takes a lifetime to get over. For now, we are an unfinished story waiting to be written. For now, the pen lays sleeping while the ink stands still.

No matter how many times you and I got it wrong, somewhere inside of me I always believed that our bond was stronger than anything and that at some point, eventually you and I would finally get it right. One thing I have learnt is that even if you think you’re meant to be with someone, that doesn’t mean you get to be with them.

I have also learnt that I push away the people I want the most in my life and I tell myself it’s because I need to learn to live without attachments and become stronger alone. But deep inside, all I want, is for someone to resist my efforts at pushing them away and tell me I am worth holding on to, even when I’m acting like a complete idiot.

Since I can remember, my head has been telling me that I am not worth it. It has told me that I am not good enough, not beautiful enough, not skinny enough, not enough.

It has consumed my life, mentally and physically. It has prevented me from living my best life, achieving my goals, succeeding, believing in myself, asking for help but mostly, it has stopped me from believing that I deserve good things.

Today, I choose to not let this beat me. Today I choose to be my whole self. Today I choose to love myself. To appreciate myself. Today, I choose to let go of the people who were toxic to my life and mind. Today, I choose to be completely free. I choose to free my soul from the aches it’s been through. Today, I choose to open all of the closed doors. I choose not to build a wall around my heart anymore. Instead, I choose to decorate my heart with the lessons I have learnt. I choose to paint it with respect and confidence. Today, I choose to forgive myself. Forgive myself for being too much. For allowing myself, to hurt myself. Today I choose to embrace my flaws. I choose to accept my mistakes. Today, I choose to change. I choose to be better. I choose to keep moving forward. I choose to guard my soul. Today, I choose to be brave. Today I choose to say no when saying yes hurts. Today I choose to be wise. I choose to walk away from the places I don’t feel happy. I choose to embrace my time. For all that is timeless, is precious. All that is precious is unique. All that is unique is different. All that is different is beautiful. Today, I choose to be beautiful.

I went through some of the hardest and most painful situations in life without anyone by my side, so today, I choose to not let my mind tell me I cannot do anything on my own.

I am mine, before I am anyone else’s.

I am brave for getting up in the morning even when my soul is weary and my bones ache for rest.

I am brave for keeping on living even when I don’t know how to anymore.

I am brave for pushing away the waves rolling in everyday and deciding to fight.

I am brave for not giving up, on the days when it feels as though there is no other choice.

I am brave for trusting in time:

I will keep you with me forever, even if time didn’t.

Laura Golding - 10.5.2019