laura golding - she/her
Three words I am constantly at war with - who am I?
Asking ourselves who we are can be a confronting, never-ending tunnel of fear. Do we really know ourselves? Do we really know what makes us who we are? Do we know why we are the way we are? We look to others for reassurance, to try and pull apart the puzzle to discover who we are. This can lead us on a rollercoaster of self-doubt and lack of independence. Relying on others to answer our biggest questions, to tell us what we should do and who we should be - it’s poison. A poison that draws you in, makes you feel warm and cozy, comfortable and secure, until you’re in so deep that finding your way out becomes more than just a challenging task, it’s a war. A war with yourself. A war with those around you, but mostly, yourself. it’s something I have struggling with for as long as I can remember and something that has challenged me beyond belief.
But simply, I am me.
I have been on my mental health journey since I could count the fingers and toes on my body. My childhood is a large memory filled with anxious thoughts and depressive actions, resulting in impulsive decisions, heartbreak, loss and gain.
I have been suffering from anxiety and depression for somewhat all of my life. I remember spending most of 2010 in my school's front office. My anxiety had consumed my thoughts so badly I was unable to be in a classroom surrounded by other students. I don't remember a lot of my primary school years from this point on, but I remember being consumed by indescribable fear and self-doubt. I remember feeling isolated and alone at all times. No one understood how I was feeling and the pain I was experiencing, my mental illness was not one that as easily explained or understood. It was debilitating.
“In 2017, in Australia, around 6% of people living with an anxiety disorder were also experiencing depression (That’s 1.5 million people).”
Moving onto high school I was in control of my thoughts and feelings, I was surrounded by a wonderful support network. My family gave me every opportunity to get help and this became a crucial step in my recovery.
High school is a blur for me; I choose not to think about it in too much detail. It is too painful. I spent the years spinning in and out of control of my mental ilness. Unfortunately the only memories I have now are agonising and only result in painful flashbacks. I specifically remember spending some of my recess and lunchtime in a bathroom stall sobbing, wondering if anyone could hear me. I felt as though the world was against me and my only escape was to hide and let the pain consume me quietly.
Social media played a huge role in my high school trauma; exclusion, harassment, outing, shaming, trolling. I personally experienced all of these forms of cyber-bullying at some stage during my teenage life and let me tell you now, it absolutely destroyed me.
I left high school mid way through year 11. I lost control of my mental illness. It took over and my fear of school was too much for me to handle. Anxiety, depression and an eating disorder, it was just too much.
I fell into a deep, dark place of confusion, self-doubt and fear. I had no plan, no drive and no self-belief. I fell into a vicious cycle of starving my body of food and nutrition due to anxiety. The anxious thoughts consumed my mind and body to the point where my mind sent signals to my body telling it that I wasn’t hungry. I would go days without eating, my appetite was non-existent and my weight dropped so quickly I didn’t even have time to recognise the signs.
Fast track a few years down the line, I live independently in a city three hours from my hometown. I work part time as a Veterinary Nurse and live a crazy, wonderful life. When I’m not nursing I am training circus or creating weird art. The point I’m trying to make here is that all that high school bullshit didn’t stop me from achieving big things. I mean, obviously it wasn’t easy and it involved a large amount of medication changes and therapy to get to a place where I could stand on my own two feet again. There was multiple set backs and relapses before I got to a point where I was brave enough to take a leap of faith and believe in myself, but I did it..
Maintaining it was… not so easy. I have had more relapses than I can remember One thing this has reminded me is that although you may feel in control of your mental illness, denial can consume your thoughts and lead you to believe you are doing okay. I think one of the hardest battles a person can face is coming to terms with their mental illness. Allowing yourself to open up and accept that you’re not okay is an excruciating and debilitating process that is often unbearable. I had been fighting an on going battle with myself for a very long period of time, denying the fact that I was unwell and in need of help. There are times where depression can make you feel as though nothing in this world could possibly save you and it feels as though there is no escape. I spent far too long denying the fact that I was sick. Not only did this impact me, it also impacted those close to me, whom I loved and cherished dearly.
It is okay to lose yourself, it is okay to feel lost in this mundane world and it is okay to admit that you are not okay.
Throughout this journey, I have discovered that we must face the fear of opening up about our pain, in order to heal. For the longest time I have been lost and unsure of my purpose in life. Through the good and the bad, one constant thing I ensured to remind myself of was that this too shall pass; each horrible moment I experienced, I knew that it would eventually pass. It is so easy to lose touch with yourself, it’s so easy to think that it will never get better, but please believe me when I say, the pain does not last forever.
This is my journey of self-discovery, bravery and art.
Loz x