“liability”
I watched a man fall out of love with me. I watched him disappear. Fade away. I watched as the way he looked at me changed, when my illness consumed my thoughts and my body. He stayed, physically, but his love for me didn’t.
I have always felt as though I was a lot to handle. This life has never been easy, nor has it been simple. I have always had baggage. The kind of baggage that would scare people if you told them too much. The kind of baggage you would hide from people you met, at first, so they would stay longer.
The song Liability by Lorde is about people leaving or giving up on you because they think you’re a “liability”. What is so important is how you deal with the pain, and that's what "Liability" is really about. It's about finding yourself after someone else doesn't want you anymore and restructuring your own vision of yourself. Lovers will come and go, and so picking up the pieces is something that's, unfortunately, inevitable.
They say, "You're a little much for me
You're a liability
You're a little much for me"
So they pull back, make other plans
I understand, I'm a liability
Get you wild, make you leave
I'm a little much for everyone
I pulled myself apart trying to make myself simple. Normal. Easier. “You’re a little much for me” is six words I continue to hear. It plays over and over in my head. It spins around like a carousel. one you can never get off. It use to consume me, day and night. This thought of being too much, a liability, made me feel as though loving me was hard. It made me feel as though anyone who got close would eventually leave because they saw the complicated force that followed me. Feeling like you’re a little too much for everyone quickly becomes one of the longest feelings in the world.
The truth is I am a toy
That people enjoy
'Til all of the tricks don't work anymore
And then they are bored of me
I know that it's exciting
Running through the night, but
Every perfect summer's
Eating me alive until you're gone
Better on my own
Lorde’s lyrics speak for themselves. They tell a story that represents so many people, including myself. Feeling this way has been something I have slowly learnt to grow with. It’s something I have learnt to appreciate, embrace, enjoy. There is a point in time where you learn to love the person you have become. There baggage tells a story. The story that makes you who you are. You can be as complicated as you need to be. You don’t have to feel ashamed for the weight you carry, the damage or past traumas that shaped you.
This song hits me like truck travelling down a freeway, it hits me so hard, I can almost touch it. Sometimes you hear a song and you question if it was written about you, like genuinely written about you. this is the one for me. I see my whole entire past and present when I listen to it and I can see the person I have become float throughout.
The heartbreaking words throughout use to tear me down and break me, but now I listen and I feel a sense of comfort. To be able to openly explain why you are the way you are takes tremendous courage.
I know that there will be people who walk in and out of my life. And in this moment, I am okay with that.
There will be people who choose not to stay, but there will also be people who choose to stay.
We are all responsible for the impact we have on people, but we are not responsible for the way they choose to see us.
25.1.2021